Whales and Religion

Many people use whales as evidence that there is no God. They say, how could there be a benevolent, all powerful creator if creatures as evil and wretched as whales exist? Good question. What do the major religions have to say?

Christians and Jews look to the story of Jonah. According to the King James Bible we have the following information...

Jonah 1:17 - Now the LORD had prepared a great fish to swallow up Jonah. And Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.

The story doesn't mention whales specifically but we can infer that whales were involved by the way Jonah describes his surroundings.

Jonah 2:1-2 - Then Jonah prayed unto the LORD his God out of the fish's belly, And said, I cried by reason of mine affliction unto the LORD, and he heard me; out of the belly of hell cried I, and thou heardest my voice.

Jonah describes being inside the fish as "hell". What else but a disgusting, foul whale could he be talking about? Consider the alternatives...

• Shark : A shark's stomach would not be too uncomfortable. Certainly not something you'd call "hell".
• Giant Squid : Most reputable accounts of being inside a squid claim that it's not too taxing.
• Jellyfish : All of my friends who have been enveloped by a Jellyfish actually recall the experience rather fondly. One fellow plans on having his honeymoon inside one. 
• Oyster : I have it on good authority that an oyster will only very rarely swallow a human being and so would most likely not be the "great fish" in Jonah's story. Some obscure cults believe that God divinely inspired an oyster to disobey it's innate nature and gulp down Jonah but they are are at the fringe of Christianity and are largely ignored.

They also don't believe in Christmas, women wearing shoes or 

exercise equipment of any kind. 

Yes, by rigorous deduction we can be sure that the "great fish" in Jonah's story is none other than a vicious, dishonest, contemptible whale.

Jonah went on to be spat out of the whale at God's command so that he could go and prophesy doom and gloom to great city of Ninevah (located in modern day Iraq). Most perceptive Bible scholars agree that God was most likely angry at the city for their worship of whale shaped idols and the absence of a significant whale hunting industry in the area.

Repent! Repent! Stop thy idol worship and immorality. You can start 

by killing more whales! Verily I say unto ye that no one here can go 

to heaven unless there's ten dead whales piled up at the temple door

by next Wednesday.

I think there's a lesson in the story of Jonah for we peoples of modern times. We must put aside selfishness, hatred and evil like the people of ancient Nineveh, and we must make a commitment to serve the Creator by solemnly slaughtering as many whales as we possibly can.

Unfortunately for Jews though, whales aren't kosher, which means Jews can't feast on scrumptious whale meat and bathe in luxurious whale oil. However Jews shouldn't interpret that to mean that God doesn't want them to kill whales. Of course He does! He just wants them to give the bodies to the rest of us to enjoy!