Here are a few brief reviews of some new Whale hunting technology that I took on my last trip. Let me know in the comments if there are any other items you'd like me to review or if you're a manufacturer and you'd like me to trial run one of your products.
Whale Jabber 1500-E : Everyone has heard of the Whale Jabber 1500 titanium harpoon heads, but did you know that the new "E" model delivers an immobilizing electric shock to the Whale for 5 solid minutes after the harpoon plunges into blubber? This is a great time saver because a Whale thrashing in agony is much less effort to haul in than one concentrating on swimming in the opposite direction.
One unexpected benefit of this product is that the meat around the area where the electric head operates is cooked to perfection. It's a great treat for the crew. Well done Whale doesn't come fresher than that!
Moby Mincer : When you're out at sea for extended periods of time it doesn't make sense to freeze a Whale whole to keep it fresh. In addition a Whale has a lot of useless air bubbles and salt water in its body that waste space. That's why every business minded whaler has a mincing machine on board. By mincing the Whales you are able to drastically reduce the amount of space used up by one and therefore you have added capacity to store and freeze more Whales.
The wonderful benefit of this particular mincer is that rather than requiring manual lubrication with petroleum based products, it has an ingenious system of using the Whale's own oil to grease the gears. In effect each Whale going through provides enough oil to mince up the next one! Talk about environmental sustainability.
英雄 腐った卵のガスののり: Now you know that when you see a Whaling product written in Japanese script that it's going to be good, and this one is good. It roughly translates to "Rotten Egg Gas Glue Making Hero".
This is an amazing product that comes in a super high pressure aerosol spray can. When you spray the substance onto any surface it leaves a thick sticky paste that cannot be removed and emits a powerful rotten egg gas like odour. (Some of my crew thinks it smells more like rotten cabbage, but either way it smells really bad.)
Now the less experienced readers will be wondering if this product is meant to be sprayed on Whales to make their lives even more miserable. Of course not. First, Whales don't have noses and second, if you were close enough to a Whale to spray this substance then you're more than close enough to fire a harpoon into it's spine!
This product is for use on Greenpeace and the other brainwashed hippies. By spraying Rotten Egg Gas Glue Making Hero at their boats and on them, they will be so distracted by the smell that they won't have time to harass you or get in the way of your harpoons.
You're naturally asking yourself about what happens if you accidentally get any of this odoriferous substance on yourself or your boat. Well here's the master stroke (I love the Japanese). The glue is only soluble in Whales Blood. You'll have plenty of that, whereas Greenpeace will have none. It's just brilliant.
Please note that "Eat The Whales" blog maintains the highest ethical standards. I do not work for or own shares in any of the companies whose products I review. Nor do I accept payment to review products.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Beached Whales....Should We Eat Them?
I'm often asked for my opinion about what to do with beached Whales.
It's a cause for celebration when any Whale commits suicide, but merriment must give way to serious consideration when a Whale carcass becomes available.
Some people believe that if a Whale swims its way up on to a beach that it must be sick or poisoned and therefore unfit for consumption. That's a good point and I tend to agree, however in some cases the Whale is simply lost or confused (i.e. The Whale is stupid, which is most of the time for most of the Whales.)
To determine what the situation is you need to call on the help of the local moonbat environmentalists.
"What's this?" you say! "Tell the greeny hippies about the Whale? But they'll try to save it!"
That's precisely the point!! The unwashed minions will invariably attempt to re-float the Whale and head it out to sea. If it turns back in to the shore, then it's sick and you should only use it for lantern oil and Whale ivory.
However if it swims out to sea again, then you'll be sure that the Whale isn't toxic. This is where you come in.
Hang a Greenpeace flag over the label of your ship (which is probably something like Whale-Mincer or Harpooning Princess). Then as the Whale starts to head out, sail in and "intercept" the Whale claiming it needs special care at your Greenpeace floating Whale hospital. No one will question you. No one questions anything those Greenpeace terrorists do.
The ruse is especially effective if you wait till your ship is a few kilometers away from the beach before you start skinning and filleting the Whale.
Let me know in the comments if there are any other ways of taking advantage of Whales in distress.
It's a cause for celebration when any Whale commits suicide, but merriment must give way to serious consideration when a Whale carcass becomes available.
Some people believe that if a Whale swims its way up on to a beach that it must be sick or poisoned and therefore unfit for consumption. That's a good point and I tend to agree, however in some cases the Whale is simply lost or confused (i.e. The Whale is stupid, which is most of the time for most of the Whales.)
To determine what the situation is you need to call on the help of the local moonbat environmentalists.
"What's this?" you say! "Tell the greeny hippies about the Whale? But they'll try to save it!"
That's precisely the point!! The unwashed minions will invariably attempt to re-float the Whale and head it out to sea. If it turns back in to the shore, then it's sick and you should only use it for lantern oil and Whale ivory.
However if it swims out to sea again, then you'll be sure that the Whale isn't toxic. This is where you come in.
Hang a Greenpeace flag over the label of your ship (which is probably something like Whale-Mincer or Harpooning Princess). Then as the Whale starts to head out, sail in and "intercept" the Whale claiming it needs special care at your Greenpeace floating Whale hospital. No one will question you. No one questions anything those Greenpeace terrorists do.
The ruse is especially effective if you wait till your ship is a few kilometers away from the beach before you start skinning and filleting the Whale.
Let me know in the comments if there are any other ways of taking advantage of Whales in distress.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Are Whales Useful For Anything Besides Eating?
Everyone knows that Whale meat is the most nourishing and tasty substance known to man.
But what about the parts of the Whale that can't readily be eaten?
For example, the the bones, teeth and baleen (the hairy long things that replace the teeth in the really hideous whales.)
These parts are best given to young children to gnaw and suck on in place of a pacifier. Why would you put a piece of boring sillicone in your child's mouth when you can give him or her all sorts of vitamins and minerals from that tasty whale marrow!
In fact most nutritionists now agree that breast milk may be substituted with ground up Whale bones and that children given at least three serves of whale product a day will have an IQ of at least 15 points higher on average than non whale eating infants.
What about the skin? You can eat it but it's a little tough for some folk (not me!) Instead why not make the woman in your life a unique Whale skin purse? Or make your man in your life a stylishly ironic Whale skin harpoon carrying bag.
My favorite non edible part is the Whale's bile duct. You'll get at least 200 liters of bile out of most Whales. I take that bile and boil it up till it becomes a sticky black tar like paste.
Take this paste with you on your next Whaling outing. If you see any of those Sea Shepard of Greenpeace morons approach the ship then set a barrel of it on fire and tip it overboard at them. The damned stuff is like napalm! It never stops burning and it can't be removed from human skin!!
Let me know what other things you can do with the components of a dead Whale.
But what about the parts of the Whale that can't readily be eaten?
For example, the the bones, teeth and baleen (the hairy long things that replace the teeth in the really hideous whales.)
These parts are best given to young children to gnaw and suck on in place of a pacifier. Why would you put a piece of boring sillicone in your child's mouth when you can give him or her all sorts of vitamins and minerals from that tasty whale marrow!
In fact most nutritionists now agree that breast milk may be substituted with ground up Whale bones and that children given at least three serves of whale product a day will have an IQ of at least 15 points higher on average than non whale eating infants.
What about the skin? You can eat it but it's a little tough for some folk (not me!) Instead why not make the woman in your life a unique Whale skin purse? Or make your man in your life a stylishly ironic Whale skin harpoon carrying bag.
My favorite non edible part is the Whale's bile duct. You'll get at least 200 liters of bile out of most Whales. I take that bile and boil it up till it becomes a sticky black tar like paste.
Take this paste with you on your next Whaling outing. If you see any of those Sea Shepard of Greenpeace morons approach the ship then set a barrel of it on fire and tip it overboard at them. The damned stuff is like napalm! It never stops burning and it can't be removed from human skin!!
Let me know what other things you can do with the components of a dead Whale.
Friday, June 25, 2010
International Whaling Commission is a Sick Joke
You may be aware that the 35th Annual Conference of the International Whaling Commission (IWC) recently adjourned. The Whale friendly (i.e. Whale controlled) media has been harping on about the fact a "victory" has been achieved because no deal was reached to end the 25 year ban on commercial Whaling.
Doesn't it strike you as off that the International organization that concerns itself with Whaling, has banned Whaling?
Doesn't it also strike you as odd that there are countries in the IWC that have never had any kind of significant Whaling industry or tradition of deep frying Whales?
It's kind of like having an International Pineapple Growers conference where they ban pineapples and most of the members come from the pineapple free wastelands of Outer Mongolia.
The only countries that should be in the IWC are Japan and Norway because they're the only ones who can be bothered doing the necessary work of hunting and eating Whales!
I propose that all the sane countries in the world, that is, those who had not had their government and media completely undermined by Whales and their unattractive human allies, form a new International Commission to govern whaling.
I suggest we give it a name that will appeal to the broader public and not just to true enthusiasts like me and anyone who glimpses at this blog.
Perhaps the WHALE SCREAMING MURDER AND HACKING SLAUGHTER International Congress. I've conducted my own focus groups and most people respond well to this name.
Doesn't it strike you as off that the International organization that concerns itself with Whaling, has banned Whaling?
Doesn't it also strike you as odd that there are countries in the IWC that have never had any kind of significant Whaling industry or tradition of deep frying Whales?
It's kind of like having an International Pineapple Growers conference where they ban pineapples and most of the members come from the pineapple free wastelands of Outer Mongolia.
The only countries that should be in the IWC are Japan and Norway because they're the only ones who can be bothered doing the necessary work of hunting and eating Whales!
I propose that all the sane countries in the world, that is, those who had not had their government and media completely undermined by Whales and their unattractive human allies, form a new International Commission to govern whaling.
I suggest we give it a name that will appeal to the broader public and not just to true enthusiasts like me and anyone who glimpses at this blog.
Perhaps the WHALE SCREAMING MURDER AND HACKING SLAUGHTER International Congress. I've conducted my own focus groups and most people respond well to this name.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Most Effective Whale Killing Methods
As we are all aware there are a wide variety of ways one can kill Whales. The precise method you use depends on what your goals for the Whale are. For example, do you want to eat it? Or do you just want to make it feel pain and then die?
Here are some of the methods I've used in the past.
Harpoon : The old favorite that has stood the test of time. Invented 500,000 years ago by Neanderthal man when they first came to be aware of the colossal evil of Whales and the luscious taste that accompanies roasting their flesh. While a harpoon preserves the majority of the Whale for consumption it is not a very efficient tool for it may only kill one Whale at a time and sometimes it's extremely difficult to pull one out of the fat brute once you have the Whale up on the deck of your ship.
Guns : You've probably heard the well known saying "Guns don't kill people, they kill Whales". However guns are only really good for maiming Whales. If you try to shoot a Whale while it's still swimming then the bullets won't get more than about 10 centimeters into its blubber. The stupid thing won't even feel it in most cases. Killing a Whale with a gun is only really possible if you've already got the Whale out of the water and you can sort of drill a hole with bullets between its eyes into it's brain. Sort of a waste of meat in my view....but still lots of fun to do!
Poison : This is a great one for when you have plenty of Whale meat stored away in the freezer or if you have guests on your boat and you need to entertain because you can't eat the Whale afterwords.
Sail out to any well known Whale pod hangout area then dump about 50 drums of your preferred poison all over the place. I like dioxins and furans because they're water soluble and don't float. This means the Whales don't even have to surface to be exposed to them.
Initially you'll see some smaller marine life such as fish and octopuses pop up and bob about near the boat but as time goes on you'll see bigger and bigger things like sharks and dolphins appear. Finally, after about an hour or so, you'll see some Whales surface, writhe around, and vomit a few times. Then, typically after 15 minutes, they flop onto their sides, float motionlessly and die. At this point I like to ram the front of the boat into them and see if I can split one open!
PLEASE NOTE : If you see any seagulls try to land on the dead Whale to scavenge its meat then please scare them away with a loud noise. It's important that these precious and magnificent birds not be harmed by the poisons now soaked throughout the whale's flesh.
Cholesterol : Capture the Whale as a baby and keep it in a tank or enclosed area of ocean. Feed the Whale fatty and unhealthy foods such as Hamburgers, Pizza, Ice Cream and so forth. Force it to stay in one position watching a special underwater television screen showing nothing but images of healthy free Whales swimming about and doing whatever evil they get up to that makes them so happy.
After about 50 years the Whale will not only feel awful about itself but it will suffer either a fatal heart attack or stroke. If you don't have 50 years time to spend on this project then you can also introduce the Whale to smoking and the process is sped up by about 15 years.
Domestic Violence : I only know a few people who have done this one. The idea is that you marry the Whale and slap it around. Even better is if you do it while openly having an affair with another Whale....who you also slap around. This is very damaging to the Whale's self-esteem.
I'm pretty certain that these are the most commonly endorsed methods of killing Whales. Let me know if you are aware of others.
Here are some of the methods I've used in the past.
Harpoon : The old favorite that has stood the test of time. Invented 500,000 years ago by Neanderthal man when they first came to be aware of the colossal evil of Whales and the luscious taste that accompanies roasting their flesh. While a harpoon preserves the majority of the Whale for consumption it is not a very efficient tool for it may only kill one Whale at a time and sometimes it's extremely difficult to pull one out of the fat brute once you have the Whale up on the deck of your ship.
Guns : You've probably heard the well known saying "Guns don't kill people, they kill Whales". However guns are only really good for maiming Whales. If you try to shoot a Whale while it's still swimming then the bullets won't get more than about 10 centimeters into its blubber. The stupid thing won't even feel it in most cases. Killing a Whale with a gun is only really possible if you've already got the Whale out of the water and you can sort of drill a hole with bullets between its eyes into it's brain. Sort of a waste of meat in my view....but still lots of fun to do!
Poison : This is a great one for when you have plenty of Whale meat stored away in the freezer or if you have guests on your boat and you need to entertain because you can't eat the Whale afterwords.
Sail out to any well known Whale pod hangout area then dump about 50 drums of your preferred poison all over the place. I like dioxins and furans because they're water soluble and don't float. This means the Whales don't even have to surface to be exposed to them.
Initially you'll see some smaller marine life such as fish and octopuses pop up and bob about near the boat but as time goes on you'll see bigger and bigger things like sharks and dolphins appear. Finally, after about an hour or so, you'll see some Whales surface, writhe around, and vomit a few times. Then, typically after 15 minutes, they flop onto their sides, float motionlessly and die. At this point I like to ram the front of the boat into them and see if I can split one open!
PLEASE NOTE : If you see any seagulls try to land on the dead Whale to scavenge its meat then please scare them away with a loud noise. It's important that these precious and magnificent birds not be harmed by the poisons now soaked throughout the whale's flesh.
Cholesterol : Capture the Whale as a baby and keep it in a tank or enclosed area of ocean. Feed the Whale fatty and unhealthy foods such as Hamburgers, Pizza, Ice Cream and so forth. Force it to stay in one position watching a special underwater television screen showing nothing but images of healthy free Whales swimming about and doing whatever evil they get up to that makes them so happy.
After about 50 years the Whale will not only feel awful about itself but it will suffer either a fatal heart attack or stroke. If you don't have 50 years time to spend on this project then you can also introduce the Whale to smoking and the process is sped up by about 15 years.
Domestic Violence : I only know a few people who have done this one. The idea is that you marry the Whale and slap it around. Even better is if you do it while openly having an affair with another Whale....who you also slap around. This is very damaging to the Whale's self-esteem.
I'm pretty certain that these are the most commonly endorsed methods of killing Whales. Let me know if you are aware of others.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Global Warming and Whales
Everyone's barking about Global Warming these days. Personally I think it's complete crap.
Why is everyone so desperate to reduce Carbon Dioxide emissions when the problem of rising sea levels can be solved by killing whales and removing them from the ocean.
It's all about Archimedes Principle (known as the bathtub principle) . Whales are such big fat useless overweight slobs that they displace large volumes of sea water.
Therefore if we remove the Whales from the ocean then sea levels will fall.
I estimate that if we could just make one or two species of Whale extinct by 2020 through killing then eating those Whales, that sea levels will fall by up to 3 milli meters globally, hence saving roughly 850 million human lives.
Yes friends! We can go on using oil for cars, burning coal for power, lighting candles on birthday cakes, and blowing up petrol stations all with a completely clear conscience if only we would focus on the real enemy. Those despicable Whales.
Why is everyone so desperate to reduce Carbon Dioxide emissions when the problem of rising sea levels can be solved by killing whales and removing them from the ocean.
It's all about Archimedes Principle (known as the bathtub principle) . Whales are such big fat useless overweight slobs that they displace large volumes of sea water.
Therefore if we remove the Whales from the ocean then sea levels will fall.
I estimate that if we could just make one or two species of Whale extinct by 2020 through killing then eating those Whales, that sea levels will fall by up to 3 milli meters globally, hence saving roughly 850 million human lives.
Yes friends! We can go on using oil for cars, burning coal for power, lighting candles on birthday cakes, and blowing up petrol stations all with a completely clear conscience if only we would focus on the real enemy. Those despicable Whales.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
A Dilemma : Should you Harpoon a Whale Through the Eye?
Today I post a dilemma that has plagued me for some time. When out whaling (that is, killing whales) should we try to aim for the Whale's eye?
Naturally, the eye is the most painful place to pierce the Whale with the harpoon, however the eye is also the tastiest part of the Whale.
So is it best to leave both eyes unharpooned so that they may be saved for the frypan? Or is the experience of seeing the Whale flail and bellow in agony worth the sacrifice of one eye?
I know some folk who feel that it's only moral to harpoon both eyes for the sake of punishing the whale for it's evil, but to me that seems rather wasteful because there are of course other ways to inflict pain on the Whale that leave the eyes free to be eaten. However I grant that they're not quite as excruciating as the eye harpoon.
What do others think? Let me know in the comments?
Naturally, the eye is the most painful place to pierce the Whale with the harpoon, however the eye is also the tastiest part of the Whale.
So is it best to leave both eyes unharpooned so that they may be saved for the frypan? Or is the experience of seeing the Whale flail and bellow in agony worth the sacrifice of one eye?
I know some folk who feel that it's only moral to harpoon both eyes for the sake of punishing the whale for it's evil, but to me that seems rather wasteful because there are of course other ways to inflict pain on the Whale that leave the eyes free to be eaten. However I grant that they're not quite as excruciating as the eye harpoon.
What do others think? Let me know in the comments?
Monday, June 21, 2010
Eat The Whales
I hate Whales and I'm going to make you hate them too. I'm going to be working all night and day to bring you information and news that will make you want to tear a whale apart with your bare hands and feet then barbeque it.
The first thing you should know is that Whales are absolutely delicious. There is no meat, vegetable, liquid, gas or plasma that tastes and wonderful as Whales. And the best part is that the more whales you eat, the tastier they become!
The second is that Whales are pure evil. The government and the media like to hush this up but Whales are responsible for most of the disease, crime and wars in the world. Instead of pouring billions of dollars into famine relief, law enforcement and medical research we could solve all of humanity's problems just by murdering all the whales...and eating them.
I give a commitment to all my readers that I will be post something new on this blog every single day. If a day is missed then you'll know the Whales, or their human familiars from such organizations as Greenpeace have found me and have had me killed.
If anyone has any more information about the Whale conspiracy then please post a comment and after verifying that you're not a Whale mole I'll broadcast your information to the entire world so that they can learn the truth.
The first thing you should know is that Whales are absolutely delicious. There is no meat, vegetable, liquid, gas or plasma that tastes and wonderful as Whales. And the best part is that the more whales you eat, the tastier they become!
The second is that Whales are pure evil. The government and the media like to hush this up but Whales are responsible for most of the disease, crime and wars in the world. Instead of pouring billions of dollars into famine relief, law enforcement and medical research we could solve all of humanity's problems just by murdering all the whales...and eating them.
I give a commitment to all my readers that I will be post something new on this blog every single day. If a day is missed then you'll know the Whales, or their human familiars from such organizations as Greenpeace have found me and have had me killed.
If anyone has any more information about the Whale conspiracy then please post a comment and after verifying that you're not a Whale mole I'll broadcast your information to the entire world so that they can learn the truth.
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