Whales and Religion

Many people use whales as evidence that there is no God. They say, how could there be a benevolent, all powerful creator if creatures as evil and wretched as whales exist? Good question. What do the major religions have to say?

Christians and Jews look to the story of Jonah. According to the King James Bible we have the following information...

Jonah 1:17 - Now the LORD had prepared a great fish to swallow up Jonah. And Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.

The story doesn't mention whales specifically but we can infer that whales were involved by the way Jonah describes his surroundings.

Jonah 2:1-2 - Then Jonah prayed unto the LORD his God out of the fish's belly, And said, I cried by reason of mine affliction unto the LORD, and he heard me; out of the belly of hell cried I, and thou heardest my voice.

Jonah describes being inside the fish as "hell". What else but a disgusting, foul whale could he be talking about? Consider the alternatives...

• Shark : A shark's stomach would not be too uncomfortable. Certainly not something you'd call "hell".
• Giant Squid : Most reputable accounts of being inside a squid claim that it's not too taxing.
• Jellyfish : All of my friends who have been enveloped by a Jellyfish actually recall the experience rather fondly. One fellow plans on having his honeymoon inside one. 
• Oyster : I have it on good authority that an oyster will only very rarely swallow a human being and so would most likely not be the "great fish" in Jonah's story. Some obscure cults believe that God divinely inspired an oyster to disobey it's innate nature and gulp down Jonah but they are are at the fringe of Christianity and are largely ignored.

They also don't believe in Christmas, women wearing shoes or 

exercise equipment of any kind. 

Yes, by rigorous deduction we can be sure that the "great fish" in Jonah's story is none other than a vicious, dishonest, contemptible whale.

Jonah went on to be spat out of the whale at God's command so that he could go and prophesy doom and gloom to great city of Ninevah (located in modern day Iraq). Most perceptive Bible scholars agree that God was most likely angry at the city for their worship of whale shaped idols and the absence of a significant whale hunting industry in the area.

Repent! Repent! Stop thy idol worship and immorality. You can start 

by killing more whales! Verily I say unto ye that no one here can go 

to heaven unless there's ten dead whales piled up at the temple door

by next Wednesday.

I think there's a lesson in the story of Jonah for we peoples of modern times. We must put aside selfishness, hatred and evil like the people of ancient Nineveh, and we must make a commitment to serve the Creator by solemnly slaughtering as many whales as we possibly can.

Unfortunately for Jews though, whales aren't kosher, which means Jews can't feast on scrumptious whale meat and bathe in luxurious whale oil. However Jews shouldn't interpret that to mean that God doesn't want them to kill whales. Of course He does! He just wants them to give the bodies to the rest of us to enjoy!

Whale no match for Vlad the Harpooner

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin has show what an all round swell guy he is by firing a dart at a whale.

For those of you who couldn't be bothered clicking the link, Vlad is trying to shoot a special crossbow gun loaded with a whale drilling arrow that collects skin samples. The arrow is then retrieved and data from the burrowed flesh can be used to tell how old the whale is.

The Russians have asked me to host these whale poking festivals but my blood boils to think that people are going to all that trouble to spear a whale and then only pull back a few grams of its flesh. You'd think that if you had a whale boring harpoon head that you'd affix it to your highest powered explosive propelled hydraulic spear system but these scientists seem to think that all a whale is good for is for experiments.

I personally find that the easiest way to date a whale outside a laboratory is by measuring how many seconds it takes for the tongue to fry, adding 51 and then dividing by 10. It's accurate to about 130 years old and to within about 3 years.

Product Review : Airtronic Systems Portable Rocket Propelled Harpoon

I was rather excited to be testing this product. Never before has it been possible to fire a harpoon at a whale with a shoulder mounted device. This is ideal for situations where a Whale has submerged itself and emerges on the other side of your ship away from the rigidly mounted harpoon guns.

However, my excitement turned to disgust when I fired the Rocket Propelled Harpoon at what was once a pretty sizeable Minke Whale, but is now a red misty vapor spread out over a kilometer of the Pacific Ocean. Rather than the harpoon head attaching itself irremovably from the whale's lungs, it exploded!

Don't get me wrong. I'm all for the senseless destruction of Whales, but not when I have a quota to fill. Masahiko-san is not going to be happy when he has to announce to the Diet that our research project will deliver fewer results than the scientists at Sumo-Whale-Burger expected.

Anyway, don't buy an Airtronic Portable Rocket Propelled Harpoon unless it's for entertainment purposes only.

Update : I just got a phone call from the Vice President of marketing for Airtronic. He tells me that there's been a slight case of user error here. The Airtronic Portable Rocket Propelled Harpoon is in fact the same as the Airtronic Portable Rocket Propelled Grenade. Same product, different product code. He tells me it's not for firing at Whales. It's for firing at Greenpeace.

Now that I actually take a look at the manual I see that he's right. I apologize to the good people at Airtronic.

Update 2 :  I just noticed that in the latest catalog the Airtronic RPT is 20% cheaper than the RPG!! Better get in quick before they realize and bump up the RPT price!

A Few Myths about Whales

1) Whales are Mammals

Whales are not mammals. They live in the ocean so they are fish. If I put a sail and a harpoon gun on my car and drive it down the jetty into the harbor does it become a boat? Of course not!.....but a car with a harpoon gun (note to self, rivet one of the spare harpoon guns to wife's car.)

2) Whales are Highly Intelligent

Here is another myth perpetuated by the "Save The Whales" bleeding heart lobby. My crew and I have performed thousands of experiments on freshly captured Whales and in not one of them have the Whales displayed any semblance of wit or intellect. That is unless bleeding and thrashing around are how you measure cleverness.

3) A certain well known 'Scottish' fast food chain is getting ready to market Whale McNuggets

It wasn't a myth until 35 Sea Shepard fruit cakes picketed the McHeadquarters and chained themselves to the McCEO's McLimousine. Now we have to start negotiations with a new restaurant chain. (Note to self - see if the domain name www.KFW.com is taken.)

4) A group of Whales is called a Pod.

Only when they're in the ocean. Otherwise they're called a refrigerated shipping crate of Whales.

5) Juvenile Whales are called 'Calves'.

Normally we call them veal.

6) It is possible to eat a balanced diet without eating Whale.

Countless studies have shown that man has evolved in such a way that only Whale meat can satisfy all the nutritional requirements of the human body. I have petitioned the authorities to have the water supply fortified with Whale blubber so that the entire population can experience the health giving benefits of Whale. Thus far my efforts have been in vein, mainly due to the selfish elite in power who refuse to share the life giving miracle that is the juice of a of minced up Whale.

7) Whales make great gifts as pets.

Only Hitler would give someone a Whale as a pet. In fact only Hitler times Stalin to the power of Mao Tse Tung would even dream of doing it. You make me sick.

Are Dolphins Edible? Yes! But....

Every now and then we all end up harpooning a dolphin.

I don't know why people keep saying these things are so intelligent. If they were so smart then why do they constantly seem to leap out of the water right as a harpoon is flying towards the Whale behind them? In fact if they had any intelligence they'd attack and eat the Whales instead of just merrily swimming next to them.

So once you have the dolphin on the end of the harpoon you naturally have to haul it in and use your boot to wrench the harpoon out of its skull. What do you do then? Throw it back in to the ocean?

They don't sell for much at market so you're not going to waste space in your freezer.

Their skin is too rubbery for handbags or furniture so you're not going to skin it.

What else is there to do but eat it?

I generally like to roast them or put them in a stew. The stew is better because the meat is a little stringy and may need to simmer a while so that it can become a bit more tender.

A lot of crews won't settle for dolphin when there's Whale available so don't try to feed dolphin to your men. There's been more than one mutiny over men being fed on dolphin while the captain eats Whale. Don't repeat that mistake.

What do you do with dolphins? Let me know in the comments.

Spending Time With The Family. Morally Questionable While Whales Are Still Not Extinct?

Today I spent some time with my wife and children. I haven't seen them in almost three years as I've been out at sea doing Whale genocide.

You may be wondering why I don't take the opportunity to visit my family while my ship is being unloaded of Whale meat. After all, it normally takes a good two days to completely unload the ship and re-gear it for another expedition.

The answer is, I have two Whaling ships! As soon as the first ship pulls into port I jump over to the deck of the second ship and we set off! I don't want to waste one second in the fight against Whale tyranny.

This time though, both ships are in need of a new coat of paint. Those Sea Shepard terrorists have been throwing red paint onto the hull and after a while that begins to look messy.

Before visiting my family I checked to see if there were any other Whaling ships about to set off that I might be able to stow away on and assist with Whale culling. However all that is in port this week are coal freighters and tug boats.

It might have been possible to use a tug boat to motor over the top of a surfaced whale, however I discovered that when a tug boat goes missing the other tug boat pilots in the harbor quickly notice. They then pursue you, intercept you and then "tug" you back into port. (However not before a certain Whaler dives overboard from his commandeered tug boat, discards his fake beard, and wades casually onto the shore.)

So with almost no other alternatives I made my way home and I am now spending two days with the family.


Please let me know what any of you would do in this situation.

Update : Reader WhalesSuck495 writes that I could be even more efficient if I were to have the second ship meet me out at sea just as the first one was finishing it's catch. Normally that would be the case WS495 but once my ship is in an area and finishing up the catch, it means that there are no more Whales for at least 150 nautical miles radius. So there's clearly no point in having a second ship arrive there.

.

Whale Song. Worse Than Fingernails on a Black Board.

Do you have any brain dead friends or relatives who have a so called Whale Song CD? It's compilations of painfully annoying Whale noises set to pan pipes or acoustic guitar or some other gag reflex inducing instruments.

It's just as repugnant as if someone had a CD of Adolf Hitler making speeches, with a soothing flute melody in the background.

When Whales make noises like the ones you hear on those CDs, it usually means that they're preparing to wreak some kind of evil. Whales think of nothing else but how to make the lives of human beings more miserable.

In the past my crew and I tried to use the Whale chatter to better pinpoint where the Whales were hiding. However the devious Whales have chosen a bellowing pitch that is impossible to triangulate as it echos off other objects in the ocean.

Since I'm unable to use the Whale Song to help me kill them, I can at least start to make my own mood music to Whale sounds. Here is a list of the albums I'm currently working on.

* Reflections - Sounds of Whales thrashing and screaming in the ocean with a harpoon sticking out of their stomach set to classical piano.
* Peace Time - The graceful melody of the Whale meat mincer accompanied by Aeolian Harp.
* Energization - Screeching electric guitar riffs set to the beat of both diesel and electric harpoon launchers firing at full power!!
- Romantic Encounters - Slow and sensual saxophone joined with the alluring hum of the Whale carcas converyer belt and gutting machine.

Look for them in your favorite record stores soon.

Latest in Whale Hunting Technology

Here are a few brief reviews of some new Whale hunting technology that I took on my last trip. Let me know in the comments if there are any other items you'd like me to review or if you're a manufacturer and you'd like me to trial run one of your products.


Whale Jabber 1500-E : Everyone has heard of the Whale Jabber 1500 titanium harpoon heads, but did you know that the new "E" model delivers an immobilizing electric shock to the Whale for 5 solid minutes after the harpoon plunges into blubber? This is a great time saver because a Whale thrashing in agony is much less effort to haul in than one concentrating on swimming in the opposite direction.

One unexpected benefit of this product is that the meat around the area where the electric head operates is cooked to perfection. It's a great treat for the crew. Well done Whale doesn't come fresher than that!


Moby Mincer : When you're out at sea for extended periods of time it doesn't make sense to freeze a Whale whole to keep it fresh. In addition a Whale has a lot of useless air bubbles and salt water in its body that waste space. That's why every business minded whaler has a mincing machine on board. By mincing the Whales you are able to drastically reduce the amount of space used up by one and therefore you have added capacity to store and freeze more Whales.

The wonderful benefit of this particular mincer is that rather than requiring manual lubrication with petroleum based products, it has an ingenious system of using the Whale's own oil to grease the gears. In effect each Whale going through provides enough oil to mince up the next one! Talk about environmental sustainability.


英雄 腐った卵のガスののり: Now you know that when you see a Whaling product written in Japanese script that it's going to be good, and this one is good. It roughly translates to "Rotten Egg Gas Glue Making Hero".

This is an amazing product that comes in a super high pressure aerosol spray can. When you spray the substance onto any surface it leaves a thick sticky paste that cannot be removed and emits a powerful rotten egg gas like odour. (Some of my crew thinks it smells more like rotten cabbage, but either way it smells really bad.)

Now the less experienced readers will be wondering if this product is meant to be sprayed on Whales to make their lives even more miserable. Of course not. First, Whales don't have noses and second, if you were close enough to a Whale to spray this substance then you're more than close enough to fire a harpoon into it's spine!

This product is for use on Greenpeace and the other brainwashed hippies. By spraying Rotten Egg Gas Glue Making Hero at their boats and on them, they will be so distracted by the smell that they won't have time to harass you or get in the way of your harpoons.

You're naturally asking yourself about what happens if you accidentally get any of this odoriferous substance on yourself or your boat. Well here's the master stroke (I love the Japanese). The glue is only soluble in Whales Blood. You'll have plenty of that, whereas Greenpeace will have none. It's just brilliant.


Please note that "Eat The Whales" blog maintains the highest ethical standards. I do not work for or own shares in any of the companies whose products I review. Nor do I accept payment to review products.

Beached Whales....Should We Eat Them?

I'm often asked for my opinion about what to do with beached Whales.

It's a cause for celebration when any Whale commits suicide, but merriment must give way to serious consideration when a Whale carcass becomes available.

Some people believe that if a Whale swims its way up on to a beach that it must be sick or poisoned and therefore unfit for consumption. That's a good point and I tend to agree, however in some cases the Whale is simply lost or confused (i.e. The Whale is stupid, which is most of the time for most of the Whales.)

To determine what the situation is you need to call on the help of the local moonbat environmentalists.

"What's this?" you say! "Tell the greeny hippies about the Whale? But they'll try to save it!"

That's precisely the point!! The unwashed minions will invariably attempt to re-float the Whale and head it out to sea. If it turns back in to the shore, then it's sick and you should only use it for lantern oil and Whale ivory.

However if it swims out to sea again, then you'll be sure that the Whale isn't toxic. This is where you come in.

Hang a Greenpeace flag over the label of your ship (which is probably something like Whale-Mincer or Harpooning Princess). Then as the Whale starts to head out, sail in and "intercept" the Whale claiming it needs special care at your Greenpeace floating Whale hospital. No one will question you. No one questions anything those Greenpeace terrorists do.

The ruse is especially effective if you wait till your ship is a few kilometers away from the beach before you start skinning and filleting the Whale.

Let me know in the comments if there are any other ways of taking advantage of Whales in distress.

Are Whales Useful For Anything Besides Eating?

Everyone knows that Whale meat is the most nourishing and tasty substance known to man.

But what about the parts of the Whale that can't readily be eaten?

For example, the the bones, teeth and baleen (the hairy long things that replace the teeth in the really hideous whales.)

These parts are best given to young children to gnaw and suck on in place of a pacifier. Why would you put a piece of boring sillicone in your child's mouth when you can give him or her all sorts of vitamins and minerals from that tasty whale marrow!

In fact most nutritionists now agree that breast milk may be substituted with ground up Whale bones and that children given at least three serves of whale product a day will have an IQ of at least 15 points higher on average than non whale eating infants.

What about the skin? You can eat it but it's a little tough for some folk (not me!) Instead why not make the woman in your life a unique Whale skin purse? Or make your man in your life a stylishly ironic Whale skin harpoon carrying bag.

My favorite non edible part is the Whale's bile duct. You'll get at least 200 liters of bile out of most Whales. I take that bile and boil it up till it becomes a sticky black tar like paste.

Take this paste with you on your next Whaling outing. If you see any of those Sea Shepard of Greenpeace morons approach the ship then set a barrel of it on fire and tip it overboard at them. The damned stuff is like napalm! It never stops burning and it can't be removed from human skin!!

Let me know what other things you can do with the components of a dead Whale.

International Whaling Commission is a Sick Joke

You may be aware that the 35th Annual Conference of the International Whaling Commission (IWC) recently adjourned. The Whale friendly (i.e. Whale controlled) media has been harping on about the fact a "victory" has been achieved because no deal was reached to end the 25 year ban on commercial Whaling.

Doesn't it strike you as off that the International organization that concerns itself with Whaling, has banned Whaling?

Doesn't it also strike you as odd that there are countries in the IWC that have never had any kind of significant Whaling industry or tradition of deep frying Whales?

It's kind of like having an International Pineapple Growers conference where they ban pineapples and most of the members come from the pineapple free wastelands of Outer Mongolia.

The only countries that should be in the IWC are Japan and Norway because they're the only ones who can be bothered doing the necessary work of hunting and eating Whales!

I propose that all the sane countries in the world, that is, those who had not had their government and media completely undermined by Whales and their unattractive human allies, form a new International Commission to govern whaling.

I suggest we give it a name that will appeal to the broader public and not just to true enthusiasts like me and anyone who glimpses at this blog.

Perhaps the WHALE SCREAMING MURDER AND HACKING SLAUGHTER International Congress. I've conducted my own focus groups and most people respond well to this name.

Most Effective Whale Killing Methods

As we are all aware there are a wide variety of ways one can kill Whales. The precise method you use depends on what your goals for the Whale are. For example, do you want to eat it? Or do you just want to make it feel pain and then die?

Here are some of the methods I've used in the past.

Harpoon : The old favorite that has stood the test of time. Invented 500,000 years ago by Neanderthal man when they first came to be aware of the colossal evil of Whales and the luscious taste that accompanies roasting their flesh. While a harpoon preserves the majority of the Whale for consumption it is not a very efficient tool for it may only kill one Whale at a time and sometimes it's extremely difficult to pull one out of the fat brute once you have the Whale up on the deck of your ship.


Guns : You've probably heard the well known saying "Guns don't kill people, they kill Whales". However guns are only really good for maiming Whales. If you try to shoot a Whale while it's still swimming then the bullets won't get more than about 10 centimeters into its blubber. The stupid thing won't even feel it in most cases. Killing a Whale with a gun is only really possible if you've already got the Whale out of the water and you can sort of drill a hole with bullets between its eyes into it's brain. Sort of a waste of meat in my view....but still lots of fun to do!


Poison : This is a great one for when you have plenty of Whale meat stored away in the freezer or if you have guests on your boat and you need to entertain because you can't eat the Whale afterwords.

Sail out to any well known Whale pod hangout area then dump about 50 drums of your preferred poison all over the place. I like dioxins and furans because they're water soluble and don't float. This means the Whales don't even have to surface to be exposed to them.

Initially you'll see some smaller marine life such as fish and octopuses pop up and bob about near the boat but as time goes on you'll see bigger and bigger things like sharks and dolphins appear. Finally, after about an hour or so, you'll see some Whales surface, writhe around, and vomit a few times. Then, typically after 15 minutes, they flop onto their sides, float motionlessly and die. At this point I like to ram the front of the boat into them and see if I can split one open!

PLEASE NOTE : If you see any seagulls try to land on the dead Whale to scavenge its meat then please scare them away with a loud noise. It's important that these precious and magnificent birds not be harmed by the poisons now soaked throughout the whale's flesh.


Cholesterol : Capture the Whale as a baby and keep it in a tank or enclosed area of ocean. Feed the Whale fatty and unhealthy foods such as Hamburgers, Pizza, Ice Cream and so forth. Force it to stay in one position watching a special underwater television screen showing nothing but images of healthy free Whales swimming about and doing whatever evil they get up to that makes them so happy.

After about 50 years the Whale will not only feel awful about itself but it will suffer either a fatal heart attack or stroke. If you don't have 50 years time to spend on this project then you can also introduce the Whale to smoking and the process is sped up by about 15 years.


Domestic Violence : I only know a few people who have done this one. The idea is that you marry the Whale and slap it around. Even better is if you do it while openly having an affair with another Whale....who you also slap around. This is very damaging to the Whale's self-esteem.


I'm pretty certain that these are the most commonly endorsed methods of killing Whales. Let me know if you are aware of others.

Global Warming and Whales

Everyone's barking about Global Warming these days. Personally I think it's complete crap.

Why is everyone so desperate to reduce Carbon Dioxide emissions when the problem of rising sea levels can be solved by killing whales and removing them from the ocean.

It's all about Archimedes Principle (known as the bathtub principle) . Whales are such big fat useless overweight slobs that they displace large volumes of sea water.

Therefore if we remove the Whales from the ocean then sea levels will fall.

I estimate that if we could just make one or two species of Whale extinct by 2020 through killing then eating those Whales, that sea levels will fall by up to 3 milli meters globally, hence saving roughly 850 million human lives.

Yes friends! We can go on using oil for cars, burning coal for power, lighting candles on birthday cakes, and blowing up petrol stations all with a completely clear conscience if only we would focus on the real enemy. Those despicable Whales.

A Dilemma : Should you Harpoon a Whale Through the Eye?

Today I post a dilemma that has plagued me for some time. When out whaling (that is, killing whales) should we try to aim for the Whale's eye?

Naturally, the eye is the most painful place to pierce the Whale with the harpoon, however the eye is also the tastiest part of the Whale.

So is it best to leave both eyes unharpooned so that they may be saved for the frypan? Or is the experience of seeing the Whale flail and bellow in agony worth the sacrifice of one eye?

I know some folk who feel that it's only moral to harpoon both eyes for the sake of punishing the whale for it's evil, but to me that seems rather wasteful because there are of course other ways to inflict pain on the Whale that leave the eyes free to be eaten. However I grant that they're not quite as excruciating as the eye harpoon.

What do others think? Let me know in the comments?

Eat The Whales

I hate Whales and I'm going to make you hate them too. I'm going to be working all night and day to bring you information and news that will make you want to tear a whale apart with your bare hands and feet then barbeque it.

The first thing you should know is that Whales are absolutely delicious. There is no meat, vegetable, liquid, gas or plasma that tastes and wonderful as Whales. And the best part is that the more whales you eat, the tastier they become!

The second is that Whales are pure evil. The government and the media like to hush this up but Whales are responsible for most of the disease, crime and wars in the world. Instead of pouring billions of dollars into famine relief, law enforcement and medical research we could solve all of humanity's problems just by murdering all the whales...and eating them.

I give a commitment to all my readers that I will be post something new on this blog every single day. If a day is missed then you'll know the Whales, or their human familiars from such organizations as Greenpeace have found me and have had me killed.

If anyone has any more information about the Whale conspiracy then please post a comment and after verifying that you're not a Whale mole I'll broadcast your information to the entire world so that they can learn the truth.