I was rather excited to be testing this product. Never before has it been possible to fire a harpoon at a whale with a shoulder mounted device. This is ideal for situations where a Whale has submerged itself and emerges on the other side of your ship away from the rigidly mounted harpoon guns.
However, my excitement turned to disgust when I fired the Rocket Propelled Harpoon at what was once a pretty sizeable Minke Whale, but is now a red misty vapor spread out over a kilometer of the Pacific Ocean. Rather than the harpoon head attaching itself irremovably from the whale's lungs, it exploded!
Don't get me wrong. I'm all for the senseless destruction of Whales, but not when I have a quota to fill. Masahiko-san is not going to be happy when he has to announce to the Diet that our research project will deliver fewer results than the scientists at Sumo-Whale-Burger expected.
Anyway, don't buy an Airtronic Portable Rocket Propelled Harpoon unless it's for entertainment purposes only.
Update : I just got a phone call from the Vice President of marketing for Airtronic. He tells me that there's been a slight case of user error here. The Airtronic Portable Rocket Propelled Harpoon is in fact the same as the Airtronic Portable Rocket Propelled Grenade. Same product, different product code. He tells me it's not for firing at Whales. It's for firing at Greenpeace.
Now that I actually take a look at the manual I see that he's right. I apologize to the good people at Airtronic.
Update 2 : I just noticed that in the latest catalog the Airtronic RPT is 20% cheaper than the RPG!! Better get in quick before they realize and bump up the RPT price!
Friday, July 16, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
A Few Myths about Whales
1) Whales are Mammals
Whales are not mammals. They live in the ocean so they are fish. If I put a sail and a harpoon gun on my car and drive it down the jetty into the harbor does it become a boat? Of course not!.....but a car with a harpoon gun (note to self, rivet one of the spare harpoon guns to wife's car.)
2) Whales are Highly Intelligent
Here is another myth perpetuated by the "Save The Whales" bleeding heart lobby. My crew and I have performed thousands of experiments on freshly captured Whales and in not one of them have the Whales displayed any semblance of wit or intellect. That is unless bleeding and thrashing around are how you measure cleverness.
3) A certain well known 'Scottish' fast food chain is getting ready to market Whale McNuggets
It wasn't a myth until 35 Sea Shepard fruit cakes picketed the McHeadquarters and chained themselves to the McCEO's McLimousine. Now we have to start negotiations with a new restaurant chain. (Note to self - see if the domain name www.KFW.com is taken.)
4) A group of Whales is called a Pod.
Only when they're in the ocean. Otherwise they're called a refrigerated shipping crate of Whales.
5) Juvenile Whales are called 'Calves'.
Normally we call them veal.
6) It is possible to eat a balanced diet without eating Whale.
Countless studies have shown that man has evolved in such a way that only Whale meat can satisfy all the nutritional requirements of the human body. I have petitioned the authorities to have the water supply fortified with Whale blubber so that the entire population can experience the health giving benefits of Whale. Thus far my efforts have been in vein, mainly due to the selfish elite in power who refuse to share the life giving miracle that is the juice of a of minced up Whale.
7) Whales make great gifts as pets.
Only Hitler would give someone a Whale as a pet. In fact only Hitler times Stalin to the power of Mao Tse Tung would even dream of doing it. You make me sick.
Whales are not mammals. They live in the ocean so they are fish. If I put a sail and a harpoon gun on my car and drive it down the jetty into the harbor does it become a boat? Of course not!.....but a car with a harpoon gun (note to self, rivet one of the spare harpoon guns to wife's car.)
2) Whales are Highly Intelligent
Here is another myth perpetuated by the "Save The Whales" bleeding heart lobby. My crew and I have performed thousands of experiments on freshly captured Whales and in not one of them have the Whales displayed any semblance of wit or intellect. That is unless bleeding and thrashing around are how you measure cleverness.
3) A certain well known 'Scottish' fast food chain is getting ready to market Whale McNuggets
It wasn't a myth until 35 Sea Shepard fruit cakes picketed the McHeadquarters and chained themselves to the McCEO's McLimousine. Now we have to start negotiations with a new restaurant chain. (Note to self - see if the domain name www.KFW.com is taken.)
4) A group of Whales is called a Pod.
Only when they're in the ocean. Otherwise they're called a refrigerated shipping crate of Whales.
5) Juvenile Whales are called 'Calves'.
Normally we call them veal.
6) It is possible to eat a balanced diet without eating Whale.
Countless studies have shown that man has evolved in such a way that only Whale meat can satisfy all the nutritional requirements of the human body. I have petitioned the authorities to have the water supply fortified with Whale blubber so that the entire population can experience the health giving benefits of Whale. Thus far my efforts have been in vein, mainly due to the selfish elite in power who refuse to share the life giving miracle that is the juice of a of minced up Whale.
7) Whales make great gifts as pets.
Only Hitler would give someone a Whale as a pet. In fact only Hitler times Stalin to the power of Mao Tse Tung would even dream of doing it. You make me sick.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Are Dolphins Edible? Yes! But....
Every now and then we all end up harpooning a dolphin.
I don't know why people keep saying these things are so intelligent. If they were so smart then why do they constantly seem to leap out of the water right as a harpoon is flying towards the Whale behind them? In fact if they had any intelligence they'd attack and eat the Whales instead of just merrily swimming next to them.
So once you have the dolphin on the end of the harpoon you naturally have to haul it in and use your boot to wrench the harpoon out of its skull. What do you do then? Throw it back in to the ocean?
They don't sell for much at market so you're not going to waste space in your freezer.
Their skin is too rubbery for handbags or furniture so you're not going to skin it.
What else is there to do but eat it?
I generally like to roast them or put them in a stew. The stew is better because the meat is a little stringy and may need to simmer a while so that it can become a bit more tender.
A lot of crews won't settle for dolphin when there's Whale available so don't try to feed dolphin to your men. There's been more than one mutiny over men being fed on dolphin while the captain eats Whale. Don't repeat that mistake.
What do you do with dolphins? Let me know in the comments.
I don't know why people keep saying these things are so intelligent. If they were so smart then why do they constantly seem to leap out of the water right as a harpoon is flying towards the Whale behind them? In fact if they had any intelligence they'd attack and eat the Whales instead of just merrily swimming next to them.
So once you have the dolphin on the end of the harpoon you naturally have to haul it in and use your boot to wrench the harpoon out of its skull. What do you do then? Throw it back in to the ocean?
They don't sell for much at market so you're not going to waste space in your freezer.
Their skin is too rubbery for handbags or furniture so you're not going to skin it.
What else is there to do but eat it?
I generally like to roast them or put them in a stew. The stew is better because the meat is a little stringy and may need to simmer a while so that it can become a bit more tender.
A lot of crews won't settle for dolphin when there's Whale available so don't try to feed dolphin to your men. There's been more than one mutiny over men being fed on dolphin while the captain eats Whale. Don't repeat that mistake.
What do you do with dolphins? Let me know in the comments.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Spending Time With The Family. Morally Questionable While Whales Are Still Not Extinct?
Today I spent some time with my wife and children. I haven't seen them in almost three years as I've been out at sea doing Whale genocide.
You may be wondering why I don't take the opportunity to visit my family while my ship is being unloaded of Whale meat. After all, it normally takes a good two days to completely unload the ship and re-gear it for another expedition.
The answer is, I have two Whaling ships! As soon as the first ship pulls into port I jump over to the deck of the second ship and we set off! I don't want to waste one second in the fight against Whale tyranny.
This time though, both ships are in need of a new coat of paint. Those Sea Shepard terrorists have been throwing red paint onto the hull and after a while that begins to look messy.
Before visiting my family I checked to see if there were any other Whaling ships about to set off that I might be able to stow away on and assist with Whale culling. However all that is in port this week are coal freighters and tug boats.
It might have been possible to use a tug boat to motor over the top of a surfaced whale, however I discovered that when a tug boat goes missing the other tug boat pilots in the harbor quickly notice. They then pursue you, intercept you and then "tug" you back into port. (However not before a certain Whaler dives overboard from his commandeered tug boat, discards his fake beard, and wades casually onto the shore.)
So with almost no other alternatives I made my way home and I am now spending two days with the family.
Please let me know what any of you would do in this situation.
Update : Reader WhalesSuck495 writes that I could be even more efficient if I were to have the second ship meet me out at sea just as the first one was finishing it's catch. Normally that would be the case WS495 but once my ship is in an area and finishing up the catch, it means that there are no more Whales for at least 150 nautical miles radius. So there's clearly no point in having a second ship arrive there.
.
You may be wondering why I don't take the opportunity to visit my family while my ship is being unloaded of Whale meat. After all, it normally takes a good two days to completely unload the ship and re-gear it for another expedition.
The answer is, I have two Whaling ships! As soon as the first ship pulls into port I jump over to the deck of the second ship and we set off! I don't want to waste one second in the fight against Whale tyranny.
This time though, both ships are in need of a new coat of paint. Those Sea Shepard terrorists have been throwing red paint onto the hull and after a while that begins to look messy.
Before visiting my family I checked to see if there were any other Whaling ships about to set off that I might be able to stow away on and assist with Whale culling. However all that is in port this week are coal freighters and tug boats.
It might have been possible to use a tug boat to motor over the top of a surfaced whale, however I discovered that when a tug boat goes missing the other tug boat pilots in the harbor quickly notice. They then pursue you, intercept you and then "tug" you back into port. (However not before a certain Whaler dives overboard from his commandeered tug boat, discards his fake beard, and wades casually onto the shore.)
So with almost no other alternatives I made my way home and I am now spending two days with the family.
Please let me know what any of you would do in this situation.
Update : Reader WhalesSuck495 writes that I could be even more efficient if I were to have the second ship meet me out at sea just as the first one was finishing it's catch. Normally that would be the case WS495 but once my ship is in an area and finishing up the catch, it means that there are no more Whales for at least 150 nautical miles radius. So there's clearly no point in having a second ship arrive there.
.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Whale Song. Worse Than Fingernails on a Black Board.
Do you have any brain dead friends or relatives who have a so called Whale Song CD? It's compilations of painfully annoying Whale noises set to pan pipes or acoustic guitar or some other gag reflex inducing instruments.
It's just as repugnant as if someone had a CD of Adolf Hitler making speeches, with a soothing flute melody in the background.
When Whales make noises like the ones you hear on those CDs, it usually means that they're preparing to wreak some kind of evil. Whales think of nothing else but how to make the lives of human beings more miserable.
In the past my crew and I tried to use the Whale chatter to better pinpoint where the Whales were hiding. However the devious Whales have chosen a bellowing pitch that is impossible to triangulate as it echos off other objects in the ocean.
Since I'm unable to use the Whale Song to help me kill them, I can at least start to make my own mood music to Whale sounds. Here is a list of the albums I'm currently working on.
* Reflections - Sounds of Whales thrashing and screaming in the ocean with a harpoon sticking out of their stomach set to classical piano.
* Peace Time - The graceful melody of the Whale meat mincer accompanied by Aeolian Harp.
* Energization - Screeching electric guitar riffs set to the beat of both diesel and electric harpoon launchers firing at full power!!
- Romantic Encounters - Slow and sensual saxophone joined with the alluring hum of the Whale carcas converyer belt and gutting machine.
Look for them in your favorite record stores soon.
It's just as repugnant as if someone had a CD of Adolf Hitler making speeches, with a soothing flute melody in the background.
When Whales make noises like the ones you hear on those CDs, it usually means that they're preparing to wreak some kind of evil. Whales think of nothing else but how to make the lives of human beings more miserable.
In the past my crew and I tried to use the Whale chatter to better pinpoint where the Whales were hiding. However the devious Whales have chosen a bellowing pitch that is impossible to triangulate as it echos off other objects in the ocean.
Since I'm unable to use the Whale Song to help me kill them, I can at least start to make my own mood music to Whale sounds. Here is a list of the albums I'm currently working on.
* Reflections - Sounds of Whales thrashing and screaming in the ocean with a harpoon sticking out of their stomach set to classical piano.
* Peace Time - The graceful melody of the Whale meat mincer accompanied by Aeolian Harp.
* Energization - Screeching electric guitar riffs set to the beat of both diesel and electric harpoon launchers firing at full power!!
- Romantic Encounters - Slow and sensual saxophone joined with the alluring hum of the Whale carcas converyer belt and gutting machine.
Look for them in your favorite record stores soon.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)