Latest in Whale Hunting Technology

Here are a few brief reviews of some new Whale hunting technology that I took on my last trip. Let me know in the comments if there are any other items you'd like me to review or if you're a manufacturer and you'd like me to trial run one of your products.


Whale Jabber 1500-E : Everyone has heard of the Whale Jabber 1500 titanium harpoon heads, but did you know that the new "E" model delivers an immobilizing electric shock to the Whale for 5 solid minutes after the harpoon plunges into blubber? This is a great time saver because a Whale thrashing in agony is much less effort to haul in than one concentrating on swimming in the opposite direction.

One unexpected benefit of this product is that the meat around the area where the electric head operates is cooked to perfection. It's a great treat for the crew. Well done Whale doesn't come fresher than that!


Moby Mincer : When you're out at sea for extended periods of time it doesn't make sense to freeze a Whale whole to keep it fresh. In addition a Whale has a lot of useless air bubbles and salt water in its body that waste space. That's why every business minded whaler has a mincing machine on board. By mincing the Whales you are able to drastically reduce the amount of space used up by one and therefore you have added capacity to store and freeze more Whales.

The wonderful benefit of this particular mincer is that rather than requiring manual lubrication with petroleum based products, it has an ingenious system of using the Whale's own oil to grease the gears. In effect each Whale going through provides enough oil to mince up the next one! Talk about environmental sustainability.


英雄 腐った卵のガスののり: Now you know that when you see a Whaling product written in Japanese script that it's going to be good, and this one is good. It roughly translates to "Rotten Egg Gas Glue Making Hero".

This is an amazing product that comes in a super high pressure aerosol spray can. When you spray the substance onto any surface it leaves a thick sticky paste that cannot be removed and emits a powerful rotten egg gas like odour. (Some of my crew thinks it smells more like rotten cabbage, but either way it smells really bad.)

Now the less experienced readers will be wondering if this product is meant to be sprayed on Whales to make their lives even more miserable. Of course not. First, Whales don't have noses and second, if you were close enough to a Whale to spray this substance then you're more than close enough to fire a harpoon into it's spine!

This product is for use on Greenpeace and the other brainwashed hippies. By spraying Rotten Egg Gas Glue Making Hero at their boats and on them, they will be so distracted by the smell that they won't have time to harass you or get in the way of your harpoons.

You're naturally asking yourself about what happens if you accidentally get any of this odoriferous substance on yourself or your boat. Well here's the master stroke (I love the Japanese). The glue is only soluble in Whales Blood. You'll have plenty of that, whereas Greenpeace will have none. It's just brilliant.


Please note that "Eat The Whales" blog maintains the highest ethical standards. I do not work for or own shares in any of the companies whose products I review. Nor do I accept payment to review products.