As we are all aware there are a wide variety of ways one can kill Whales. The precise method you use depends on what your goals for the Whale are. For example, do you want to eat it? Or do you just want to make it feel pain and then die?
Here are some of the methods I've used in the past.
Harpoon : The old favorite that has stood the test of time. Invented 500,000 years ago by Neanderthal man when they first came to be aware of the colossal evil of Whales and the luscious taste that accompanies roasting their flesh. While a harpoon preserves the majority of the Whale for consumption it is not a very efficient tool for it may only kill one Whale at a time and sometimes it's extremely difficult to pull one out of the fat brute once you have the Whale up on the deck of your ship.
Guns : You've probably heard the well known saying "Guns don't kill people, they kill Whales". However guns are only really good for maiming Whales. If you try to shoot a Whale while it's still swimming then the bullets won't get more than about 10 centimeters into its blubber. The stupid thing won't even feel it in most cases. Killing a Whale with a gun is only really possible if you've already got the Whale out of the water and you can sort of drill a hole with bullets between its eyes into it's brain. Sort of a waste of meat in my view....but still lots of fun to do!
Poison : This is a great one for when you have plenty of Whale meat stored away in the freezer or if you have guests on your boat and you need to entertain because you can't eat the Whale afterwords.
Sail out to any well known Whale pod hangout area then dump about 50 drums of your preferred poison all over the place. I like dioxins and furans because they're water soluble and don't float. This means the Whales don't even have to surface to be exposed to them.
Initially you'll see some smaller marine life such as fish and octopuses pop up and bob about near the boat but as time goes on you'll see bigger and bigger things like sharks and dolphins appear. Finally, after about an hour or so, you'll see some Whales surface, writhe around, and vomit a few times. Then, typically after 15 minutes, they flop onto their sides, float motionlessly and die. At this point I like to ram the front of the boat into them and see if I can split one open!
PLEASE NOTE : If you see any seagulls try to land on the dead Whale to scavenge its meat then please scare them away with a loud noise. It's important that these precious and magnificent birds not be harmed by the poisons now soaked throughout the whale's flesh.
Cholesterol : Capture the Whale as a baby and keep it in a tank or enclosed area of ocean. Feed the Whale fatty and unhealthy foods such as Hamburgers, Pizza, Ice Cream and so forth. Force it to stay in one position watching a special underwater television screen showing nothing but images of healthy free Whales swimming about and doing whatever evil they get up to that makes them so happy.
After about 50 years the Whale will not only feel awful about itself but it will suffer either a fatal heart attack or stroke. If you don't have 50 years time to spend on this project then you can also introduce the Whale to smoking and the process is sped up by about 15 years.
Domestic Violence : I only know a few people who have done this one. The idea is that you marry the Whale and slap it around. Even better is if you do it while openly having an affair with another Whale....who you also slap around. This is very damaging to the Whale's self-esteem.
I'm pretty certain that these are the most commonly endorsed methods of killing Whales. Let me know if you are aware of others.
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